Sigma 6: I will not
by The Child Of Silence
Summary: From these experiences, we can see just how messed up the Sigma team is. Or, how insane the authoress is. You decide. -Finished due to lost inspiration-
1. Chapter 1

A/n: I got the idea for this from reading stories done in the same style over in the LOTR section. Some of them were freaking hilarious! And right now, I like writing one shots, more specifically humour/parody ones. Most of these I will nots... contain Spirit. Guess who my favourite Joe is? And also, I have like three chapter stories I have to update soon, so... I'm getting distracted... Also, I hope no one of homosexuality finds number four insulting, it's not meant to be insulting.

Disclaimer: I own no Joe, Cobra Commander, Cobra Villain, Kung-fu Fighting the song, nor do I support the use of drugs. Drugs, bad. Cookies, good.

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1. I will not sing "Kung-fu Fighting" when two ninjas are fighting.

The sound of metal clashing sounded through out the Cobra building. Two ninja were playing a deadly game of cat and mouse.

Snake Eyes landed in the hallway, a deep gash in his thigh slowing his movements. He turned towards Storm Shadow, and gripped the hilt of his remaining ninjaken. Storm Shadow charged at him, and the two began their battle.

At this time, the Dreadnoks conveniently strolled in, and saw the two ninja. Instead of helping Storm Shadow, they began singing.

"Everbody was Kung-fu Fighting!"

2. I will not ask Heavy Duty if I can borrow his steroids.

"Yo! HD!" Heavy Duty set the supplies he was moving down, and glanced at the grinning Tunnel Rat.

"Hey TR. What ya grinnin' about?" asked Heavy Duty resting his elbow on top of the supplies box.

"Well, I was wonderin', if I could borrow some..." The red haired male looked around shiftily.

"Borrow what? Spit it out."

"Can I borrow your steroids?"

"I don't do drugs! Get back here!"

3. I will not give Billy pedicures.

Spirit walked down the hallway searching for Billy. He stopped just outside of Kamakura's room when he heard a strange cry.

"Hold him still Jinx!" said Kamakura, his voice slightly higher pitched than it normally was. This struck Spirit as odd. Who was the ninja apprentices trying to hold still?

Once again the strange cry was heard, and Spirit began to grow more and more suspicious. He opened the door and let out a strangled cry of shock.

Jinx and Kamakura looked up at Spirit in what looked like a mixture of shock, surprise, and fear. Billy let out an undignified squeak of anger, and flew up and over to Spirit and landed on his shoulder, freshly painted pink talons, digging into Spirit's shoulder.

"Don't get mad Spirit..."

4. I will not ask Spirit if he's gay.

Duke had recently noticed that Billy's talons were pink, and that two ninja apprentices had been quick to flee the room whenever Spirit entered the room. He came up with two hypothesises, but couldn't decide which one to believe.

One, Jinx and Kamakura had given had given Billy a pedicure, and were now fearing the wrath of a certain Native American tracker.

Or, two, Spirit had painted Billy's talons, to ease everyone into him actually being gay, and either he came out of the closet to Jinx and Kamakura, causing them to feel awkward, or they had walked in and saw... Homosexual acts of love.

A door slammed, alerting him to the fleeing of two ninja apprentices, and the entering of the team's tracker.

"Spirit are you gay?" The room went silent, and all eyes were on Hi-Tech who had asked the question on Duke's mind, and showed no fear.

Even Heavy Duty was impressed with Hi-Tech's courage.

Or stupidity.

Spirit's eye twitched and Billy flew off of his shoulder and landed on a table, across the room. Hi-Tech gulped.

(This scene has been removed for extreme violence, swearing, yelling, freaking out, two scarred ninja apprentices, and a nerd, that now knows, Spirit is not gay. He's dead sure of it.)

A/n: I'm too lazy to type of number five, but I'll give you a hint. It involves a mad Long Range. Now let me now what you think!


	2. Chapter 2

A/n: For any readers of Alchemy, it's know on hold. Una has gone on vacation and has taken the plot with her. Other then that, here's some good ol' humour. Sometimes I wonder what the heck goes on in my mind.

Disclaimer: Once again, I own no Joe, or any other songs/company trademarks in this story.

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5. Shaving Long Range's head is a no-no.

Long Range slowly opened his eyes. What was that annoying buzzing sound? Was he still dreaming? Was Cobra attacking? Was a bug flying close to his ear? Will moving up his head? Was Cobra using a bug to move up his head, making him hear that annoying buzzing sound, and it was in fact a dream? Wait. Why was his head feeling lighter than normal? What was going on? Was Cobra using a bug to move up his head, making him hear that annoying buzzing sound, and it was in fact not a dream? And why did it sound like someone was laughing evilly behind him?

He whipped his head around, surprising who ever was behind them, and let out a cry of shock when he saw a pile of hair on the floor. He felt the top of his head, and the Sigma driver felt all colour fade from his face. Nothing. Only bare skin.

Tunnel Rat sat on the floor and looked at Long Range with a scared expression. Had his eyes been open, they would have been huge. Like, saucer size.

"Tunnel Rat..." growled Long Range, standing up, casting a shadow over the younger man, his back blocking the early morning sun from view. He was looking downwards, and a sense of terror hung in the air.

(Yep. Another scene removed for extreme violence and cursing. Don't get Long Range mad.)

6. I will not sing Barbie girl when Duke enters the room.

Duke was walking down the hall of the Sea Titan, heading towards the conference room, humming to himself. It was a catchy tune, and it had been stuck in his head all day.

He opened the door and was greeted by a course of "I'm a barbie girl! In a barbie world! Life as plastic! It's fantasctic-"

Duke slammed the door shut, eyes wide in terror. His team were awful singers!

7. I will not lock Tunnel Rat in a small locker with a bucket of water slowly dripping water down, to slowly torture and/or kill him.

Duke, did not want to know. Let Snake Eyes be, and back away slowly.

8. I will not duct tape Tunnel Rat to the roof.

Snake Eyes wasn't sure how they had done it, but Duke and Spirit had managed to duct tape Tunnel Rat to the ceiling. And they were both now grinning like idiots.

Sometimes, not asking was the key to staying sane on this team.

9. I will not bedazzle Snake Eyes sword.

Snake Eyes shook his head as he walked towards the gym. Kamakura and Jinx had gotten into another fight, and now all he wanted to do was work out, do a couple of katas, and cut something with his sword to remind his team mates, that you do not mess with the guy with the big sharp sword.

So you can all imagine his surprise when he drew his sword, to find it bedazzled. Everyone in the gym broke out laughing, chuckling, snorting, and harharing. The Ninja Master growled silently, and even though he wore a mask that hid his eyes, anyone who looked at him swears that his eyes burned with a rage hotter then hell. Someone was going to die.

10. I will not eat burritos when sharing a room with anyone.

Tunnel Rat had scarfed down at least twenty burritos, and now he was paying for it. Well, to be exact, Spirit was paying for it.

All because he had drawn the longest straw. Wasn't it normally the shortest straw that lost?

But, the team had taken pity on him, and gave him a gas mask. Only four more hours.


	3. Chapter 3

A/n: At least once in your life, you feel like the gods are punishing you. And we always love to see pure silliness. It's human nature to want to poke things with a stick. Especially if we don't know if they're dead or not.

And no, I don't hate Tunnel Rat. He just naturally gets into sticky situations. But we all love him.

Disclaimer: I don't own G.I Joe, minesweeper, and I don't wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner. Not too sure who owns the song in 15, but whoever does must have been very annoying as a child.

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11. I will not tempt the gods.

Everything had gone wrong. From the moment he had woken up in the morning, spilling his very hot coffee on his best shirt, putting spoiled milk on his cereal, to the afternoon, fixing the ROCC only to have it throw oil all over it, slamming the door on his own thumb. Nothing had gone right.

As Hi-Tech sat before his computer system, he wanted nothing more than to scream. Really loud. At the top of Mt Everest. But being in the Atlantic Ocean, nowhere near the world's tallest mountain, he sadly could not do that. Woe.

So, as you can probably see, the dear little techie was on the verge of a mental break down. Any moment now...

"GAHAYAYA!"

That, is what a stressed out, angered, techie sounds like.

He slammed his fist down hard on the keyboard, eyes ablaze with anger.

"I am a genius! There is no way that I can lose five times in a row at mine sweeper! I swear that when I die, I will kick the God of Minesweeper's-"

Once. Twice. Three times the lights flickered, silencing the nerd.

Chuckling nervously, Hi-Tech decided to try and to please the Gods. "I love you?" The lights went out completely.

12. I will not get drunk and ride purple ponies with Tunnel Rat up and down the hall, screaming "The Indians are coming! The Indians are coming!"

Tunnel Rat had somehow, in a miraculous way, had managed to convince Spirit to come out with him to a local pub. They sat down, drank some beer, scotch, and tequila, and along the way, someone must have slipped something in their drinks, cause when Long Range arrived, he found them giggling madly, and trying to stuff a twinkie into a vending machine.

"Dios," muttered Long Range under his breath, unable to believe his eyes. It took him half an hour to wrangle the two into the vehicle and by then, all three were covered in twinkie and glitter. Long Range still had no idea where the glitter had come from.

Long Range was pretty glad when he handed over the two drunk men to Duke.

* * *

3 am. 3-freaking!-am! Long Range swore to kill those two.

He rolled out of bed, and groggily threw open his bedroom door.

"The Indians are coming! The Indians are coming!"

Long Range slammed the door. They had been riding purple ponies... Through the hallways... He was going back to be.

13. I don't wish I was a Oscar Mayer Weiner.

"Oh! I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Weiner! Cause then everybody would love me!" Snake Eyes pounced. Duke let out a cry as he was tackled by the ninja commando. Snake Eyes clamped a hand over Dukes mouth.

For two hours the blonde had done nothing but sing that song! And it was a well known fact; Snake Eyes hated hot dogs!

14. I will not genetically engineer the perfect rodent soldiers.

It was chaos. The world was terrorized by a new threat, and there was no Joe who could stop it.

A blonde newscaster stepped into view.

"This just in! The giant rat soldiers' creator has been found! It appears that they were invented by a young American soldier, in the hopes of creating the perfect soldier." On the screen, a young, certain blonde Joe appeared. "This soldier, Hi-Tech appears in court on Monday. Protesters have been ordering for the death of Hi-Tech, but only the future will tell. This is Jim, on your dialy news."

The screen went blank.

15. I will not sing **the** song.

"Ooh! I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Everybody's nerves! Ooh! I know a song that gets on everbody's nerves! And this is how it goes!"

His job was never over. Snake Eyes leapt from the shadows, and tackled Spirit, knocking the larger man down, and quickly duct taping his mouth shut. In about seven seconds.

Snake Eyes sighed silently. He was getting slow and old. But at least the singing had stopped. Finally.

16. I will not poke a dead thing with a stick, especially if the dead thing is not actually dead.

Kamakura tentatively looked at the skunk lying on the side of the road. He saw no sign of life left in it's small black-and-white body. He had an irresistible urge to poke it with a stick.

He did just that.

* * *

Kamakura moaned as once again, a can of tomato juice was poured over him. Snake Eyes shook his head as he emptied the juice onto his apprentice's head. He knew what it felt like to be mislead by a skunk. Especially the ones that gave no warning, and just sprayed when you woke them up.


	4. Chapter 4

Sane Note: I have a challenge for any and all authors out there. What is this challenge? Well, you must write a story with the words cat, fried chicken, unicycles, heights, baseball, unicorns, and gay purple badgers. An extra cookie if anyone can use those words to make an angst fic.

A/n: Since, I'm Canadian, today is Thank's giving, and we have turkey for dinner. Not sure how it is in the states though. But my aunt was making a duck instead of turkey, and she's American, so, we'll go with turkey.

DISclaimer: Need I say more?

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17. I will not push the mysterious big red button.

There it was. Taunting him. Calling to him in all it's glory. It was as red as a fresh apple, and gleamed like a diamond. The big red button.

He felt the need to push it. The urge. He must push it! But, no! What if it was a trap? It was too great a risk!

_Beep!_

Tunnel Rat bit back a cry of shock as Hi-Tech hit the big red button, that had appeared from no where.

"_That was easy_!"

18. I will not use up all my sick days.

Hi-Tech remembered the day well. It was his first job, working at McDonald's. And all ready he had used up all his sick days. But the new movie Avatar was out... Every nerd's dream movie! But what could he do?

_Ring! Ring!_

"Hello. I'm calling in to inform you, that I won't be coming to work today because I died," Hi-Tech said, looking off into space.

* * *

On the other side of the phone, the manager was having a heart attack due to the fact that he had learned that they had long distance calling on the other side. Holy jumping cheeses!

19. I will not call area 51, claiming to be an escapee alien.

Duke turned to glare at Hi-Tech and Tunnel Rat who innocently whistled, arms raised in the air, as a group of men and women in black suits pointed seriously big guns at them.

"You two have some explaining to do," he growled.

20. I will not do weird experiments on Billy.

"You smell."

Spirit nearly jumped out of his skin as he heard the strange, whinny voice. He looked around, trying to locate where the voice had come from. He saw no one else in the room but Billy.

"What you looking at?" Spirit's eyes widened, rivalling the size of watermelons.

"Come on, don't let the cat claw your tongue, or however the saying goes. You gunna eat that jerky." If possible, Spirit's jaw dropped to the floor, as he watched Billy's beak move, in a way that would allow him to speak.

"What the..."

21. I will not stab anyone with a pork chop.

Snake Eyes could sense something was off. He could just feel it. And it felt cold and kind of mushy. And smelled like uncooked meat. With a deep sigh, he turned around, ready to face what fiend was waiting for him.

He got a slap to the face with a piece of meat. A pork chop.

"Die evil fiend! Go to a cold fridge-like place and freeze there!" Hi-Tech was trying with all his might to stab the ninja with a pork chop. A. Pork. Chop.

Being ever so observant, Snake Eyes came to the conclusion that something had finally snapped in the hacker's mind. But, he had known it would happen someday. So all he had to do was find his crazy-hacker-emergency kit, and get the strait-jacket he had hidden in his closet.

22. I will not attach Duke to a rocket. Especially if said rocket explodes.

It was hard. Duke and Hi-Tech where currently missing, and Cobra, being ever so convenient had decided to attack some poor city. Why? Because they wanted tacos. Which made no sense, but nothing made sense anymore.

So, we can all imagine the surprise the team had when they saw a rocket blast skywards, with a Duke looking figure on it, and a cackling Hi-Tech running around in circles. In all honesty, they weren't at all surprised.

"Well," began Spirit, rather dully. "I think we need to get Hi-Tech a therapist."

"And Duke's gunna need one too," added Tunnel Rat, as he yawned.

Just as everyone were turning around to go get Snake Eyes' crazy-hacker-emergency kit, there was a very loud, bug bang.

"I'll go call the ambulance," sighed Scarlett.

23. I will not make Spirit be a therapist for Hi-Tech.

Stone was happily walking through the halls of the Joe's base, when he stopped outside of the room that Spirit and Hi-Tech were talking in. He pressed his ear to the door, and before he could move out of the way, a very mad, Spirit through the door open, and stormed down the hallway, looking like he was about to kill someone.

Confused, Stone looked inside the room to see Hi-Tech begin to scream, "Therapist! The Rapist! SPIRIT IS THE RAPIST!" Then to add to even more confusion, Hi-Tech began shouting out, "LOL", "ROFL" and "OMFG", which lead to a quick retreat from a certain man code named Stone.

24. I will not make the turkey explode.

Scarlet beamed proudly at the beautifully roasted turkey. The sweet scent of turkey drifted towards her, and she placed the bird on the table and turned around and headed back to the kitchen to check on the pumpkin pie.

* * *

Everyone sat around the large table, chatting happily. Duke stood up, and was about to carve the turkey when...

**BOOM!**

Everyone dived under the table, with shouts of terror, all except Tunnel Rat. And said red head was grinning broadly.

* * *

E/n: Not as funny as the last chapter in my opinion, buuuut... that's up for you to decide. Now, push the review button, in the spirit of Thank's giving!


	5. Chapter 5

A/n: I was a ninja for Halloween! I was a mix of Storm Shadow and Snake Eyes. It was pretty cool. I got a giant lollipop from my neighbour! I have it half eaten! It's big!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Except Fred.

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25. I will not... Uh... I will not... I will not confuse the readers?

Hi-Tech blinked. He looked around, clearly confused. Where was he? Who were these people?

"Hi-Tech, you ok?" asked a blonde man. Who is this blonde man? For some reason Hi-Tech wanted to call him... Ken.

Yes, Ken was his name, at least, Hi-Tech thought it was. Maybe it wasn't. No, it was Ken.

"I don't think he's all there," said a red haired male, examining the genius. That must be... Reno? Yep. It was Reno!

"I think this strange powder has something to do with it." Hi-Tech looked at the black haired man who spoke. It was Rambo!

There were three others in the room. A red haired woman, who was most likely Mary, a black man named Barret, and was that Zorro! No, wait, Zorro wore a black cape... Then it must be... Cougar!

Hi-Tech nodded. Yep. He had guessed all their costumes perfectly.

"I must admit, your Halloween costumes are pretty good," admitted Hi-Tech. "Now let's go!"

And so, the combination of Ken, Reno, Mary, Barret, Cougar, Dial Tone, and a muttering Rambo exited the room. Apparently, Scarlett had to force Spirit to let her add some make up to change his skin tone to match Rambo's. But that's another story, for another time.

26. I will not super glue Snake Eyes ninjato in their sheaths.

"Run!" screamed Jinx to her partner in crime, Kamakura. The slower apprentice speed up, panting heavily.

"Did we lose him yet?"

"No!"

"IYAHHH!" In a flurry of movements, both apprentices were tackled by their furious master. Never again would they ever super glue his swords.

27. I will not test stuff on Snake Eyes.

"When will the effects wear off?" asked Duke, his eye twitching at the sight before him. The younger blonde shrugged his shoulders.

"I don't know. But if Cobra ever attacks, we can use this to battle them," mused Hi-Tech, drifting off deep into thought. Duke sighed and continued watching the disaster before him. Never again would Hi-Tech be allowed to test new energy drinks on a certain ninja.

28. I will not kiss Spirit unexpectedly.

Now that was an awkward time. For no reason Kamakura had went and kissed Spirit. On the lips. No reason what so ever. The team's back to wondering. Only this time they wondered if Kamakura was the gay one. Spirit sure wasn't. Not after the punch that had hit Kamakura. It was a pretty nice punch though.

29. I will not kidnap the director.

_Important Notice! After surprising events, and a camel, this story has been cancelled due to a crack team of Joes kidnapping the director. If anyone seesBob, please alert the authorities__ and do not approach any military figures around him. _("Note: Bob is not the real director. Cobra has once again defeated the Joes! COOOBRA!")

With that, the programmed ended...

30. I will not tempt the authoress with sugary substances.

"TR! What happened to ya?" Heavy Duty was shocked, scared, and some other word that escapes his mind at the moment.

Tunnel Rat looked up from where he sat on the floor, covered in candy wrappers, glue, glitter, pink paint, and... Were those lollipops?

"Never, and I mean NEVER try to bribe the authoress for more screen time. Especially when she already has sugar in her systems." With that, Tunnel Rat fell backwards, allowing sleep to over take him.

"I tried to warn him," said Spirit, walking into the room. "But he didn't listen. Put him with Hi-Tech. He should survive with minimum brain damage. I hope."

31. I will not kiss Spirit even if I asked.

Hi-Tech held the ice pack to his eye and let out another low, pained moan. Scarlett tsked at him from across the room, shaking her head.

"What's with everyone kissing Spirit?" she asked, unsure what had possessed these strange events to happen.

32. I will not break the fourth wall.

"Cobra Commander, sir! What's our next course of action?" asked just your regular Cobra soldier, named Fred. He stood, saluting the esteemed Cobra Commander, who had been doing nothing but pout all day long.

"What's the use?" asked the Commander, "We'll just lose. Those damn writers always make the Joes win."

"What are you talking about sir?" asked Fred, looking at his hero, confused.

"I mean, the writers who control our universe! Right now, as I speak, a young girl is borrowing us, whilst the actual writers have no idea about this! No matter what we'll always lose! The writers are against us! You and I have no controls over our actions! In fact, you don't even exist! You were in none of the Sigma Six episodes!" screeched the Commander, pointing at Fred, accusingly.

Suddenly, everything went white and the Commander found himself on a tropic beach, sipping a glass of lemonade.

"See, this is why I hate you."

33. I will not pop up in the wrong dimension.

Hi-Tech looked at the red and black uniformed man before him. Deadpool looked back.

"Wrong dimension?" asked Deadpool, as if he truly understood Hi-Tech's confusion.

"I think so," replied Hi-Tech, gulping. Deadpool nodded.

"Don't worry, you get use to it."

* * *

A/n: I was trying to get over a sugar rush and writers block whilst writing this. It sucks? Yes. Yes it does. I need to go steal Deadpool now... . I need more reasons to be crazy.


	6. Chapter 6

A/n: I swear, it seems like someone's talking behind my back. I just have this feeling. So sudden and new. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. Thanks to anyone who reviewed the last chapter. Which was no one. You can tell me if it sucked, I can deal with it.

Also, I'm running out of ideas. Plot bunnies being chucked at the authoress is very much allowed.

Disclaimer: No. I don't own them.

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34. I will not discriminate.

Tunnel Rat sniffed loudly, and wiped his eyes, refusing to look at that cruel meanie Duke.

Duke felt the glares of Jinx and Kamakura drilling into the back of his skull. The pressure was building. He had done nothing wrong!

With a final sigh of defeat, Duke cleared his throat and looked at Tunnel Rat. "I'm sorry for discriminating against vampires," said Duke. 'But shape shifters still kick vampire tush...'

35. I will not diss Edward.

"I'm telling you! Edward's house is in the forest! He doesn't eat humans! He sparkles! Edward is obviously a fairy!" exclaimed Hi-Tech, throwing his hands up into the air, saying, "Ayeeee ohhhh! Lemme go!"

Tunnel Rat growled like a feral animal, hugging onto the computer geek's limbs.

"Take. It. Back," he spat, holding on as tight as he could, avoiding falling off of the flailing Hi-Tech.

"Never!" Hi-Tech gripped the red haired male's flaming locks, and pulled, trying to dislodge him from his limb. The smaller male was surprisingly strong... Or perhaps the blonde really needed to hit the gym more.

"YE-owch! Don't bit me!"

On the other side of the door, Duke and Spirit were eavesdropping on the two.

"Team Jacob all the way," they said in unison.

36. I will not show off my awesome ability to shape shift.

Needless to say, they really shouldn't let the techie drink scotch anymore.

Especially after he ripped off his clothes, and claimed he had shape shifted into a fierce turtle. Hi-Tech was still trying to destroy all the photo evidence. And the videos. And those t-shirts...

37. I will not drink Billy's blood.

"No, not the bird, Billy's, but an alcoholic drink that Long Range came up with."

Duke's mouth hung open, as he starred in disbelief at Hi-Tech. The blonde was currently tied up in a strait-jacket, laughing manically about evil bunnies taking over a cookie shop. Stone sighed once again and shook his head sadly.

"He's been like this for the last past sixteen hours, and Long Range is still missing. We fear he's dead." Duke looked at Stone, and shook himself.

"Right then. Find all of this weird mixture, and destroy. No. Nuke it." Stone nodded and left to round up a team to terminate any and all remaining Billy's blood.

38. I will not incorporate song lyrics into conversations.

'Why are you helping me?' signed Snake Eyes to the white clad ninja standing before him. Storm Shadow smiled.

"All you did was save my life."

0o0o0o0

"Come on, TR, help me out!" exclaimed Heavy Duty, struggling to catch the stray chicken that had popped up onto the deck of the Sea Titan.

"It's my life! It's now or never! I ain't gunna live forever!" said Tunnel Rat, turning away from the scene.

0o0o0o0

"So, how did you two meet?" Stone asked Hi-Tech, curious about the techie's new long distance relationship.

"Well," began Hi-Tech, "I seen her in a smoky room. I smell of win and cheap perfume. For a while they can share a night! It goes on and on and on and on! Strangers, waiting...'walking' down the boulev-" Stone covered the Techie's mouth.

"Let's not turn this into a musical," he growled.


	7. Chapter 7

A/n: What's this? A Christmas/Yule version of Sigma 6 I will Not? Apparently so. Drabbles ahead, drabbles for all! I'm in a rhyming mood.

Quick few notes, I just randomly chose Delong: if you don't know Achmed, google him: not sure if there really are paintball bombs: Canadians do NOT say eh a lot. Unless there is an American around (Sneaky Canadians, aren't we?).

Useless but interesting fact: Christmas, is much the same as Yule, which is a Pagan holiday, celebrated December 21. Also, Kriss Kringle is a Germany Pagan figure. Pretty cool, eh?

Disclaimer: I do not own G.I. Joe. Nor anything else within this story except for the ideas.

39. I will not create a rubber band ball (and run people over with it).

T'was the night before Christmas,

And all through the Titan,

Everybody was slurring,

Except the mouse.

The bands were strung around the ball with care,

In hopes that they could soon get out of there.

(20 minutes later...)

The Joes were all nestled up in bed,

As visions of hangovers danced in their heads.

And Scarlett in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just lied down for the long winter's "nap".

When down the hall, there arouse such a chatter,

I sprang from my bed, to see what's the matter.

Out of the door, screaming, "Watch my back"!

I ran the possiblites of being under attack!

The ball was glorious, in a frightening manner,

Made Tunnel Rat squirm, to and fro.

Then who was it to appear?

But a bald headed freak, and a miniature deer.

With beady little eyes, devious and quick,

I knew in that moment, "Jolly" St. Nick!

As rapid as beagles, he turned and gleamed,

And he whistled and shouted, all of our names,

"Now Duke. Now Scarlett. Now Tunnel Rat and Spirit!

"On Jinx. On Kamakura. On Hi-Tech and Stone!

To the bottom of the sea! To the bottom of them all!

Run away! Run away! Run away all!"

As a Joe trained and raised to fly,

Stone quickly ran and hid, oh my!

So out came the weapons, in colours of blue!

With a bag filled with toys, St Nick flew.

Before anyone could react, the dormant rubber ball began to roll down the hall, smashing away! Smashing away all! Duke ducked out of the way, when he heard a loud _splat_ and looked up to see their grinning crook, Snake Eyes. Apparently, Snake Eyes had forgotten- There had been Joes in the way! And everyone knows, you run over Scarlett, and she'll make you pay.

40. I will not orchestrate bombs to go off in the tune of Jingle Bombs. On a side note: Jingle Bombs is banned to be sung.

"Dashing through the sand! With a bomb strapped to my back, I got a nasty plan, for Christmas in Iraq! I got to check point A, but not to check point B-" Tunnel Rat's lovely rendition of Achmed the Terrorists song was silence, by a very mad looking Heavy Duty.

"Knock it off, will ya? Have some respect!" From across the room Duke nodded in agreement.

"Yea, TR. Some people might find it offensive," said the blonde. Tunnel Rat muttered something under his breath, and turned to walk out of the room.

It was a beautifully cold day, and the Sea Titan had docked at Halifax, Nova Scotia, so that Scarlett and Hi-Tech could go off to Lunenburg, to find a DeLong Christmas tree. Why they wanted a Christmas tree from DeLong, was unbeknownst to everyone else, but whatever. At least they got to find out if Canadians really did say eh a lot.

"I hate today," muttered Tunnel Rat coldly under his breath, kicking at the deck. "Ain't no snow, and I ain't heard no one say eh yet. Those TV programs lied, those lil' buggers." He walked off of the deck, and began heading into the city. Suddenly, he heard the words that may just save his Christmas spirit.

"Yes! Paint bombs! They blow up, but spray paint and don't kill! Cool, aren't they?" Tunnel Rat whipped around, and looked at two boys standing outside what looked like a paint ball shop. Perfect.

* * *

Duke stared, eyes wide, mouth a gasp, as Tunnel Rat bowed, as in the background, small paint bombs went off, splattering paint all over the deck. At least it was festive...

41. I will not ask if my pants make my butt look big.

Duke examined his reflection, pouting at the reflection. Maybe it was just him? Yes, it was probably just him, or a trick of the light.

Heading out of his room, Duke looked around and beamed as he saw Spirit walking down the hallway.

"Spirit! Come here for a second!" Duke called, waving the man over. Nervously, Spirit drew closer, afraid of the odd gleam in his friend's eye. "DO these pants make my butt look big?" Spirit had to blink and do a retake.

"Excuse me?"

"Do these pants make my butt look big?"

Feeling highly wary, and disturbed, Spirit glanced around. If this was a trick to make him look gay... No cameras. No one approaching. Spirit looked at Duke's rear end, and had to force his eye not to twitch.

"Yes, they do make your butt look bigger," the shaman replied, calmly. Duke's mouth fell open and he glared at Spirit.

"Bigger? Bigger! ARe you saying I have a huge butt without wearing these pants?"

"No, I-"

"You rude, son of a sheep! How dare you!" Duke charged into his room, slamming the door behind him. He wouldn't let his once "friend" see him cry. Spirit was just jealous, that's all. Not every one could have such a beautiful butt!

Meanwhile, outside of Duke's room...

Spirit stood there eye twitching. Not even a woman was that bad.

42. I will not sell anyone's picture to the tabloids.

All was well at the North Pole. All the presents made, and the sleigh ready. So, of course, Santa Claus was feeling pretty darn good. Until he saw 'it'.

"Rudolph! Get me the phone!

* * *

Kamakura screamed in pure terror as he ducked out of the enraged Spirit's way.

"Get back here!"

"Never! I will never let you destroy this picture!" The nimble ninja leaped up, and scuffled into a nearby air vent, chuckling proudly as he heard Spirit swear down below. He had won.

Until he felt the glare of a horde of little children behind him, further back in the vent.

"You the Kamakura who published this photo to the tabloids?" asked the toughest little girl Kamakura has ever seen, holding up a picture of a very drunk Spirit and Mall Santa hugging, with the title, "Merry Gaymas!". Kamakura nodded ever so slightly.

He really wished he hadn't.

43. I will not clone myself.

Proud that he had gotten the tree he wanted, Hi-Tech beamed proudly at Scarlett.

"Told you, the best trees are grown here," he said, positively beaming. Scarlett rolled her eyes and chuckled, getting into the cab of the beat up truck they had rented.

"Yea, they sure are. Smell that fresh salt air too. It mixes pretty nice with the pine," she commented, starting the engine. Eagerly, Hi-Tech hopped into the passenger seat. He buckled in, and gave the thumbs up for her to start driving. While tree shopping, he had come up with a most marvellous idea.

As soon as he got back, and the tree was successfully stood up in the rec room, he had hidden in his lab, cackling evilly. Fearing for their lives, everyone stayed well away from the lab.

Imagine their fright as a horde of Hi-Techs rushed from the room, all laughing evilly.

"It worked! It worked!" they chanted. It was at this time that Cobra had decided to attack, but seeing all those Hi-Tech's they decided to run away. Fast.

44. I will not impersonate Santa. (Even if it's too sneak into Cobra's base.)

Snake Eyes hated Christmas.

Squirming through the tightness of the small chimney, Snake Eyes swore silently and continued on his way, squirming. The suit was heavy, and he was starting to become claustrophobic. Oh, the irony of the situation.

"Snakes... there?" The radio was mostly static sounding, and Snake Eyes tried to tap out Morse Code.

'_Almost._'

He continued on his way, and swore silently once again. The suit had snagged. This was to painful of an experience. He needed a pay raise.

After five more minutes of pure hell, he slid out of the chimney, and walked over to the brightly light Christmas tree. He opened the sack he had brought, and began pulling out the neatly wrapped presents. He set them under the tree, and turned to walk back to the chimney.

"Santa?" Snake Eyes turned around and froze. A clearly drunk Storm Shadow stood before him, wearing footie pyjamas and holding a headless teddy bear under his arm. Storm Shadow stumbled forward and hugged Snake Eyes.

"Santa," he whispered. "Please, I'm sorry. Please, tell my sword brother Snake Eyes that I love him." Releasing the "Santa", the drunken Storm Shadow scuffled off, leaving Snake Eyes to stand there. He headed back to the chimney, a new skip in his step, and gladly climbed up the chimney. It was worth it.

_And it is said, his heart grew three times that day.

* * *

_

A/n: Happy holidays everyone, and I hope you'll take the time to drop me a review.


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